Guilt and shame are complex emotions that can arise in response to guilt tripping, perceived wrongdoing or social transgressions. While guilt involves a negative evaluation of a specific behavior, shame is associated with a more global sense of self-devaluation. Guilt-prone individuals tend to focus on the specific behavior that caused the guilt, while shame-prone individuals may experience a pervasive sense of inadequacy.
The anger of individuals who are prone to feeling ashamed often serves as a defensive response to shame. Therefore, it is not surprising to discover that being prone to shame is linked to having harmful and divisive intentions, as well as a tendency to engage in various forms of direct, indirect, and displaced aggression (Tangney, 2003).
Aggression or Withdrawal in Interpersonal Conflict
Let's imagine a scenario involving a midlevel office manager who tends to feel ashamed easily. When being guilt tripped, let's say he makes a noticeable mistake that results in a public failure. As a result, he experiences feelings of shame, humiliation, and anger. To cope with these emotions, he might direct his anger towards his subordinates, blaming them for the mistake both in person and in their performance evaluations. Moreover, during informal conversations by the watercooler, he may take the opportunity to speak negatively about his boss to a colleague, implying that his difficulties stem from poor upper management. In extreme cases, he might even resort to covert acts of sabotage against the company itself. Each of these aggressive reactions serves as a way for him to alleviate his painful feelings of shame.
See also A Large Overview of Studies on Narcissism Genetic Roots
On the other hand, individuals who feel shamed may opt to withdraw from situations that trigger shame and anger. It's worth noting that people differ in their inclination to experience shame, and this proneness to shame is not only associated with active aggressive reactions but also with a passive and internalized approach to dealing with interpersonal conflicts. Rather than engaging in outward aggression, these individuals may choose to distance themselves or internalize their emotions when faced with shame- and anger-inducing circumstances.
Shame-proneness is closely linked to holding anger inside (keeping it to oneself without expressing it), harboring self-directed hostility, and a tendency to withdraw from guilt tripping and other situations that provoke anger. For instance, let's consider the case of the manager who feels humiliated due to shame. Instead of expressing his rage outwardly, he may choose to suppress it and direct his anger towards himself and everyone involved in the situation, engaging in rumination. In the aftermath of the humiliating event, he might decide to call in sick or isolate himself from colleagues by retreating to his office and closing the door.
In summary, when shame-prone individuals encounter interpersonal conflicts, they tend to adopt one of two approaches: active aggression or passive withdrawal. Unfortunately, neither of these strategies is likely to lead to a positive outcome for the situation or the relationship involved. It comes as no surprise that individuals prone to shame, based on our studies, reported anticipating unfavorable long-term consequences resulting from these episodes of anger in their everyday lives.
See also A Guide to Self-Help for Narcissists
The Strategies of Guilt-Prone Individuals in Guilt Tripping Situations
On the other hand, individuals who are prone to feeling guilt tend to adopt a different approach that is proactive and constructive when dealing with guilt tripping. These individuals demonstrate a tendency to utilize strategies that are beneficial for managing anger and conflict, in contrast to shame-prone individuals. Research aligns with Baumeister et al.'s (1994) observation that guilt serves various functions that enhance relationships. Specifically, individuals who experience guilt without being burdened by shame, known as "shame-free" guilt, exhibit a positive correlation with constructive strategies for managing anger and conflict.
For instance, consider a midlevel manager who is prone to feeling guilt. When publicly guilt tripped, confronted about an oversight, he may initially experience some anger and resentment. However, since he tends to feel guilt rather than shame, he is less likely to become defensive. Taking a step back and reflecting on the situation, he is more inclined to take responsibility for the failure or offer an explanation for the circumstances that led to the problem. While feeling a sense of resentment towards his boss for the public reprimand, he is tactful in suggesting that future issues be addressed privately. Most importantly, he is motivated to focus on finding ways to prevent similar problems from occurring in the future.
Individuals who tend to feel guilty have a specific way of dealing with their anger. Guilt-prone people tend to interpret situations that provoke anger differently from those who are prone to feeling ashamed. Guilt tripping, which focuses on evaluating a specific behavior rather than the overall self, does not pose as much of a threat to one's self-image. Therefore, guilt-prone individuals are less likely to respond to anger with defensiveness or a desire for revenge.
To put it simply, individuals who tend to feel guilty do not usually experience irrational anger rooted in an urgent need to save their diminished self-esteem. Instead, their anger tends to be directed towards actual violations and wrongdoings, whether committed by themselves or others. The key here is that there is a genuine and specific transgression that can be addressed directly and reasonably, either through a conversation with the person responsible or by taking some other constructive action to resolve the issue.
Shame-prone individuals do not have easy access to these strategies when they resort to irrational anger as a way to escape from the distressing emotions of shame.
The Influence of Guilt Tripping on Constructive Action
Another important factor is that guilt-prone individuals are less likely to be hindered by overwhelming and crippling feelings of shame. As a result, they may feel more confident and capable of taking direct and positive steps to address interpersonal conflicts. The experience of shame does not diminish their belief in their own abilities or self-efficacy.
Furthermore, numerous studies indicate that individuals who are prone to feeling guilt possess superior interpersonal abilities compared to their counterparts who experience less guilt (Tangney, 1994; Tangney, Wagner, Burggraf, et al., 1991). This suggests that guilt-prone individuals are particularly well-equipped to utilize a crucial adaptive response to anger, which involves engaging in rational and non-hostile discussions with the person who has provoked their anger. With their heightened sense of self-efficacy and strong interpersonal skills, guilt-prone individuals are more inclined to resolve conflicts through open communication, as they perceive this approach as likely to lead to a successful resolution.
The Impact of Empathy on Anger Responses
Lastly, the capacity for empathy is significantly heightened in guilt-prone individuals (Tangney, 1991, 1994; Tangney, Wagner, Burggraf, et al., 1991), which undeniably influences their responses to anger. This sense of empathy towards others plays a role in how guilt-prone individuals reassess the role and intentions of the person who has triggered their anger. By being able to see things from the other person's perspective, even when they are feeling angry, guilt-prone individuals are more likely to approach the situation with constructive intentions and actions. This may involve engaging in non-hostile discussions with the person they are angry with while defusing any malicious intentions or aggressive behaviors aimed at harming or seeking revenge.